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My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it`s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Alcohol goes in, truth comes out.
When people tell me "you`re going to regret that in the morning" I sleep in until noon because I`m a problem solver
It`s so cold outside I had to put Jack in my Coke to keep it from freezing.
Damn your Hott!...........................Freaking Sun! lmao =P
I told my 4-year-old she couldn`t open any candy yet. So she ate a Tootsie Roll with the wrapper still on it. That kid is a problem solver.
Sorry, I can`t today ... My sister`s friend`s mother`s grandpa`s brother`s grandson`s cousin`s uncle`s fish died. Yes, it was tragic.
I´m playing that game where the floor is made of lava, so I obviously can´t get off the couch or I´ll die.
You know you are getting old when people keep telling you how young you look.
Is it ok to take a personal day if none of your pants fit?
We get it people on Facebook. You`re married, you have kids, you`re happy. Calm down.
She texted me: "your adorable." I replied: "no, YOU`RE adorable." Now she likes me, but all I did was point out her typo.
Excellent Group Ice Breaker: Do you think sailors feel pressured to swear?
A stress ball, made of concrete, and to throw at the person who`s stressing you out.
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but the more important question is, how did they get in there in the first place?