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I just leased a 2013 lamborghini, no payments till January. Those f@kin Mayans better be right.
The reason good men are hard to find is because they`re usually too busy working.
Valentines day
I`m hearing voices again. Probably because my window is open and there are people outside talking, but still.
Why is it that whenever I have to turn around in a strange driveway, I feel like they`re gonna come running out with pitchforks and torches?
I always give waiters a tip, but they never seem to appreciate my advice.
The difference between beer and your opinion is that I asked for a beer.
LSD makes users lose weight` That makes sense, it`s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there`s a dragon guarding it.
Iām not high maintenance, but rather precious cargo with lavish instruction for upkeep.
Well I made it through the day without beating anyone with a chair. I`d say my people skills are improving.
I bet people who like their own statuses wink at themselves in the mirror too.
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
Before Walmart you had to buy a ticket to the fair to see a bearded lady!
Some people come into your life as blessings, others come into your life as lessons.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.