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Your baby was cute until I realized you’re on the same flight as me. Now your baby is stupid.
You`re uglier than..... well, you`re the example.
Do you ever think that if it weren`t for someone smoking Marijuana they might of killed you already. . .
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider doing it.
If you`re out running in jeans, I`m gonna go ahead and assume you just participated in a felony.
It is days like today that I am glad that we all don`t live in a Yellow Submarine. Well at least not in the same one.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m slightly inconvenienced and hungry.
I was sitting in traffic the other day. That’s probably why I got run over.
Why can’t I lose weight easily I mean I lose everything else without a problem.
When a man says he`ll do anything for a woman, he means slaying dragons, killing zombies and rescuing her from castle towers. IT DOES NOT MEAN cleaning garage, fixing roof and cleaning out the basement!
I stay up late every night and realize it was a bad idea every morning.
Since they`re loud and heavily scented already, Abercrombie & Fitch stores really are the ideal spot to go fart.
Sometimes my life feels like a 40 year long episode of Punk`d...
Never look directly at the people having a sizzling plate of fajitas delivered to their table... It’s what they want.
Things that don`t kill bees: 1. Furniture polish 2. Febreeze 3. Butter 4. Screaming