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If robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money, I`d just laugh and search with them.
If my computer desktop were an actual place, they would bring in blindfolded people to make a Febreeze commercial.
Never judge a man ’till you’ve driven a mile with his wife.
People always get so excited about the next generation iPhone but no one has caught up with the awesome technology that`s called a Turn Signal.
when girls say bye .......... may be it means buy something for her.....
To say I wasted today would be a huge insult to the producers of the 3 movies I watched.
Good news: I can still do a full split! Bad news: It wasn`t on purpose!
How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?
The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
There`s no panic like trying to press "End" when you make an accidental call.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I want the job of placing pepperoni slices on frozen pizzas, because clearly whoever has it is now has problems.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.