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I don`t have the blood alcohol level to deal with you
The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you
My favorite thing about marriage is sharing a house with the person most likely to murder me.
Break the ice in a crowded elevator by asking how much everyone weighs.
The human body has 7 trillion nerves and some people manage to get on every single f*cking one of them
Is it "poon tang", or "poontang"? I`m trying to update my Christian Mingle profile.
Life would be so much more interesting if we all had cartoon bubbles over our heads.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words “The” and “IRS” together it spells “Theirs.”
I don`t know about you....but I have thought about running away from home way more as an adult than I ever did as a kid.
I quit my job with the Dept of Corrections. That place was like a prison...
It`s always nice to be called Pretty in the morning. So what if he was hiding behind the trash wearing no pants.
The Kids today just don`t appreciate the colors and flavors of Dial soap like I do
It`s hard to write a good drinking song. I can never make it past the first few bars.
I use my imagination to solve problems. And by imagination, I mean booze.
I’m going to be very busy in the afterlife. the list of people I’m going to haunt grows everyday.