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Vodka is just amazing water.
I don`t understand no one has excepted my boiling water challenge
The difference between cars and whales is that whales can swim and cars can`t.
I show my age when I`m in a club with all the 20 somethings.. Guess its because the last dance step I mastered was dancing like Gene Gene The Dancing Machine
People assume Iām smart when they see my glasses case. Then they see that I use it to store a Snickers bar and they recognize my true genius.
God is creative, I mean just look at me.
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where is my phone?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch, dumba$$."
When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure, When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure, When you drink Whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems, When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems. Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
My mom just walked in and called me gay... If my nails weren`t drying i swear to God..
When I`m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend.
okay it was me..... I did it ..... I let the dogs out
Beer: Giving you the courage to talk to women but taking away the ability to make sense.
I`ll never understand women. They hate when you ask their age, but get mad if you forget their birthday.
These are not pizza stains on my shirt they are pizza memories, wonderful wonderful memories.
It`s the little things in life that count, like pills.