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If I truly posted what was on my mind ... I´d most likely be in a psychiatric hospital right now.
People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow
I just ordered a Life Alert bracelet so if I ever get a life I`ll be notified immediately.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
My favorite iOS7 feature is how it distracts me from the fact that I`m wasting my life poking a glass screen.
Just once would I like to see the "Phone a Friend" lifeline on Millionaire go straight to voicemail.
There are 3 reasons for ”Liking” someone’s Facebook status: 1. I agree. 2. I realise this is about me, so I’m liking it to rub it in your face. 3. I want to bang you.
Some people just lack the ability to realize that everyone in the room wants them to shut up.
I liked you a lot more before I met you.
The computers were down at work today, so we had to do everything manually. It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards to play solitaire.
When someone tells you they are getting a divorce, a high five is not the right answer. Or so I`ve been told, twice now.
there is no strong beer, only weak men
"When I grow up, I want to marry a man addicted to video games" ~ No woman ever.
If I had a British accent, I`d never shut up.
I get a lot of “You must work out!!!” I just wish it wasn’t from doctors. :(