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Doing nothing is very hard to do, you never know when your finished.
Saw a midget go into a store while wearing a KKK outfit and thought... That`s a little racist.
My 83 year old neighbor got pulled over for speeding. She told the cop she had to hurry before she forgot where she was going.
I`m really good at acting like I`m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Saying, "We need to talk," is the most efficient way to freak someone out
First world problems: I couldn’t hear the TV so I had to stop eating chips.
It`s hard to take life serious once you realize people jamming their genitals in each others mouths is considered a sign of affection.
I said "sad face emoji" instead of actually frowning today if you want to know how out of touch with reality I am.
Redneck Term Of Thee Day-Wisdom: "Mah bruther had him some kidney stones, but he wisdom out!"
There are so many things in life I still need to lick.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I`m like, that`s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I`m more fun than I actually am
People at work tell me I have a lot of patience. Fact is… there are just way too many witnesses around
Sarcasm is a dominant gene in my family.
Its weird how your entire day flashes before your eyes the moment you realize that your zipper has been down and you haven`t pissed in 8 hrs
The hardest things about beginning any new relationship has got to be learning how to fart quietly again.