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I wish I could talk to donkeys so I could be known as the ass whisperer.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
It`s only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realize that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.
If ignorance really was bliss we`d have a lot more really happy people around here.
I hate when I`m on Facebook and I`m rudly interrupted by a jogger bouncing off my windshield
Commence six months of the clock in my car being wrong.
There are two types of people in this world: people who pee in the shower and liars.
Billion Dollar Idea: An app that deletes your phone number from other people`s phones.
Me at age 5 "I wish I had a $1" Me at age 10 "I wish I had $100" Me at age 17 "I wish I had $1,000,000" Me at age 26 "I wish I had $1"
Cashier: Would you like your milk in a bag? Me: No, let`s just keep it in the carton, ok?
WANTED: Someone to follow me around and whisper "You`re an adult" every few minutes.
I can`t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes
Would people still go to the gym if Instagram didn`t exist?
I have high blood pressure, but my dogs don`t. So, from now on I`m only getting upset about squirrels and mailmen.
Did we try giving the government a snickers?