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Sex is great, but.....Have you ever had stuffed crust pizza?!?!
I never make stupid mistakes ... only very clever ones
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Why can`t my coworkers just play on the Internet like normal people instead of trying to engage me in conversation.
Maybe Mondays are not that bad. Maybe its your job that sucks balls.
I`m a multi-tasking procrastinator. I can put off a bunch of sh!t all at the same time.
Those teardrop tattoos mean you cried during the notebook, right?
You can`t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them & hope they panic & give in.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
People who go rock climbing: you know you don`t have to, right
I start a lot of conversations with "goodbye" in hopes that I trick people into thinking we already talked.
Long story short, I love summaries
I`ll never join one of those dating sites. I prefer to meet someone the old fashioned way. By alcohol & bad decisions.
You know it’s a really good bar when there’s a couple outside breaking up.
Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn`t `funny` and is technically `wasting` police time