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When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer. Or so I`ve been told. Twice now.
Life is like chocolate...sometimes you gotta deal with nuts.
Why can`t braille just be in the shape of the letters?
I put on my pants like everyone else. Right after the security guard in Target says "Sir, we`re going to have to ask you to leave."
Instead of exes, they should be called whys.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
The problem with working from home is the absence of sexual harassment.
My son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an XBOX game for his Playstation.
Not all country music is terrible. If you can get past the lyrics about trucks, mud, farms and cows... It`s actually not too bad.
These spaghetti-o`s taste like I don`t get paid until tomorrow.
I haven`t lost all of my marbles but there is definitely a hole in the bag.
I say ” I shouldn’t be telling you this,” at the beginning of every conversation so people will listen to what I’m saying.
It`s ok to admit when you`re wrong. Just don`t tell anyone.
I`ve been hiding from exercise ... I`m in the fitness protection program.
"That`s too much bacon." -Nobody ever