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If a man speaks at sea where no women can hear, is he still wrong?
Working from home means I save money on train tickets and pants, but spend more on vodka and pizza.
I got married so that I can be autocorrected even when my phone is off.
Somebody has to be awesome…might as well be me.
Just once...one time; can`t we buy a tree that doesn`t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
I`ll do whatever it takes to be the mistake you can`t live without
I dreamt that was dreaming, and then someone woke me up and told me I was dreaming but it turned out I had only dreamed that so I went back to sleep in my dream, all upset that my dream that I was dreaming was interrupted by another dream....hahahahaha.....whoa, need to lay off the Red Bull.
People who have more than 10 items in the express line… We see you and we are judging you.
You don`t need training to be a street cleaner, you just pick it up as you go along.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
When are they going to drug test the audience of "The Price Is Right."? No one is that happy
I`ve officially met everyone`s mother yesterday via Facebook so I`m pretty sure that takes me out of the friend zone here ladies
Don’t you hate it when spiders bite you and you get like zero superpowers?
Hoping that Steve Harvey isn`t the one announcing the winning Powerball numbers tonight!
When I finish eating something I have to show my hands to the dog like I`m a blackjack dealer...