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I hide from people too, so I get it unicorns, I get it.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don`t tell me about your rough childhood.
For your anniversary, if your wife asks for something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in 3 seconds...don`t get her a bathroom scale. Just sayin"
Men are like cheap dishes - easily broken & completely replaceable!
When people on Facebook say they lost their phone and need everyone’s numbers again, I text them: “Guess who?” for 2 weeks.
"Karate" is an old Japanese word that means, "My kid can`t hit a baseball."
If you`ve ever wondered why an animal is stupid enough to run into oncoming traffic on the highway, then you`ve obviously never been married.
Guys, how many times have you said "it looks great honey" when you really are just laughing inside?
So can we just skip to summer now?
Why do I get the feeling that a lot of adults nowadays who ask kids "What do you want to be when you grow up?" are just trying to come up with some ideas?
The nice thing about being a guy is your underwear only costs $10 for a 3-pack.
Go ahead, post sober. Ruin everything.
In my defense Your Honor, I thought she had been stung by a jellyfish.
Sometimes I wonder if I could get away with murder, but then I remember I can’t even eat pancakes without getting syrup all over me.
Fact: You wish Facebook had the middle finger button.