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I have to be careful what I say online because my kids might find out how cool I am and want to start hanging out with me.
Have you noticed that tire stores never hang big banners that say "Blowout Sale"?
My new workout video is 20 minutes of me vacuuming over the same piece of string instead of picking it up.
This haunted house sucks. It`s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad. Wait, I`m at work, sorry.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores? Same. But I`m in a liquor store.
I`m a multi-tasking procrastinator. I can put off a bunch of sh!t all at the same time.
I like to go on drunk facebook post binges, then claim the next day that someone hacked my account.
I do 5 sit ups daily. It might not sound like much, but there`s only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Just saw 2 homeless guys hitting eachother with cardboard... PILLOW FIGHT!
I`m not saying you`re an idiot. I`m just saying that....Umm how do I word this?? I guess I am saying your`e an idiot.
eHarmony should be more like Amazon “customers who slept with Tina172 also slept with LuvinLife_83, TaintMisbehavin, and Cat_Lover03?.
Admit it. When you go to the zoo, the first thing you look at is the Camel`s foot.
Job interview tip: repeatedly ask if you`re under oath
A three hour long movie adaptation of pages 74 and 75 of the Hobbit? Friggin count me in.
I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade"