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I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
I`m never more nervous than when I tell a doctor what I actually eat.
When I come home 4 the holidays I throw $40 on the table & say "Look we`re keeping the thermostat at 75, and we`re turning on some lights."
I would watch NASCAR if it was more like Mario Kart.
At this point in my life the only reason I want to be rich is to hire somebody to clean my house.
Do you ever get bored on the internet and then grab your phone to see what the other, smaller internet is up to?
The way dogs get excited when you throw a tennis ball is the way I feel about my first beer after work.
Stole a cart from this woman at Walmart today. I like to think of it as playing grand theft auto suburbs edition.
Marriage is like a public toilet. Those waiting outside are desperate to get in. Those inside are desperate to get out
Be careful who you call friends. I`d rather have 4 quarters than 100 pennies.
Things that don`t kill spiders: 1: furniture polish 2: Febreze 3: butter 4: screaming
I wonder if Earth makes fun of the Moon for having no life.
Does shaking the vending machine count as working ...
Alcohol doesn`t get people drunk, people get people drunk. Drunk people get other drunk people extra drunk.
Of course women have cleaner minds than men. They change them much more often