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Getting to bed early so I can be well rested and fully alert for my morning anxiety.
Since you were smiling when you tazed me, I`m guessing we still have a chance.
My spirit animal is that chicken who keeps crossing the road for reasons no one can figure.
Leaving the house would be so much cooler if someone would yell “Aaaaand Action!” as I walk out the door.
I had been dreaming about eating a giant marshmallow, when I woke up my pillow was gone! :O
Eventually we’re just gonna have to accept “ducking” is a swear word.
Just found a shopping list in this cart that said, "Beer, wine, crap like that", so apparently my soulmate is still out there.
Have you ever wondered if God looks down at you in a humorous moment, chuckles to himself, and says "yeah I made that!"
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is. She`s not dead, just very condescending.
Life is tough. Put on your big girl panties and deal with it like the rest of us.
Top three reasons he doesn`t text you back: 1. He`s just not that into you 2. He`s imaginary 3. He`s a cat
Why do I even have unlimited texting?
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, "Would you take a photo of me?" If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
If you`re feeling bored, find a group photo of four girls on instagram and then comment "you three look great!" Wait and grab popcorn.
Remember when you were a kid and all you would use the computer for was paint and space pinball?