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Honesty is the best policy, unless you`re trying to return something that you`ve already worn.
Do you ever bring your pet up to a mirror and you`re just like, "That is you."
Had to talk with my son about masturbation today...I explained that it is natural, and he should probably knock before he comes into my room from now on.
...you ever ponder why that page was intentionally left blank?
I f*cking hate you. Hope that clears things up.
If a woman asks if you "notice anything new" tell her "I do, your beauty surprises me every day." Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Rough day! I have now completed the top 6 things off my to-do list ... Time to go get another six pack I guess.
Is it just me that finds it disturbing that you can accidentally make a baby but you can`t accidentally make a pizza?
i only drink on days that end with y
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
I was trying to have a mature arguement but "look, you ignorant f*cktard" just popped out
is not rude...I just wasn`t taught to politely pretend to be nice to people I can`t stand.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Still have not used all the free hours from my AOL start up disk
Guy on plane: So, where are you going? Me: I`m guessing it`s the same place you`re going.