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If my superpower was to be able to stop time, I`d totally use it to take a nap without people noticing.
Can anyone recommend a good movie to kinda listen to while I stare at my phone?
It’s funny that old people need handicap parking spots but they always manage to pick up a penny off the ground.
Playing dead on the couch all day in case a bear attacks. That`s not lazy, that`s proactive.
My talent is being wasted, if that counts as a talent.
I`ve been catfishing my best friend for the last 3 weeks. He`s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I`m showing these emails to his wife.
We all have that one person we forever regret giving our phone number to.
I`m out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
When I was a kid, I thought quicksand was going to be a much bigger problem than it really is.
I wouldn`t say I "missed" your call.
I am convinced God only created six days and the devil added Monday.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now Googling how to extract a fork from bone without causing more damage.
What did the crop say to the farmer? Stop picking on me
That awkward moment when you can’t tell if it’s a Halloween costume or their regular clothes…
Can you LIKE this status with your elbow? (no cheating)