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When they discover the center of the universe, alot of people will be shocked they`re not in it.
Whenever someone says to me, "Oh, you look so familiar, where do I know you from?" I like to respond with, "Do you watch porn?"
If the NSA and IRS teamed up, I wouldn’t have to do my taxes.
Marriage is something you should pay for and divorce should be free. You might think twice before buying into it.
The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you
I have an oven with a "stop time" button. It´s probably meant to be "stop timer" but I don´t touch it, just in case.
My ex girlfriend had a really weird fetish. She used to dress up as herself and then act like a f*cking b!tch all the time.
I think it`s really strange how some people talk to their animals, give them personalities and make up voices for them. My dog, Benjamin, agrees with me.
Relationship Status: ( ) Single ( ) In a Relationship ( ) Married ( ) Engaged ( ) Divorced (X) Waiting for a miracle
It must be very hard to be a Nigerian lawyer who specializes in international inheritance law.
Sometimes i wish i was an octopus, so i can slap eight people @ once!
Everyone picks their nose at some point, it`s what you choose to do next that defines who you are as a person.
A girl phoned me the other day and said “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
If I stop my car so you can walk across the street, I better see some hustle out of you. Knees to Chest, bitch, KNEES TO CHEST!!
“I’m sorry” and “my bad” mean the same thing… Unless you’re at a funeral.