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Looks like I won`t be updating my status today...
When it comes to bug protection, you just can`t beat "OFF!".
I’m just going to put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
Has anyone donated any money to ALS? All these ice bucket challenges I been seeing makes me think ... you all some cheap bastards
When someone asks if you lost weight, the correct response is always, "no, it just seems like it to you because you got fatter."
"Just so you know, you`re coming home with me tonight." I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Nobody on television curses more than the Roadrunner.
I bet genies were a real thing until one jerk wished for genies not to exist anymore.
I’ve decided to get rid of my bad habits…just as soon as equally satisfying good habits become available.
Do good masochists go to heaven, or hell?
I`m not saying I`m bilingual but if you shout at me in German I`ll probably do whatever you want
That horrible moment when the TV commercials are so long that you forget what you’re watching…
In alcohol`s defence, I`ve done some pretty dumb sh*t while completely sober too.
You`re right, you didn`t ask that guy for a d!ck pic, but nobody asked for hundreds of pictures of your face either.
Clearly if you have to blame yourself, you`re not hanging out with enough people.