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The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Anyone else see the irony in Disney World?.. You know, the fact that it`s a giant human trap, ...set by a mouse.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
something about today makes me want to be hungover tomorrow
MISSED CONNECTION: I gave you the Heimlich maneuver on Maine St. You insisted you weren’t choking and put up a good fight.
There is no better sunscreen than sitting inside a bar.
There are no problems which cannot be solved through suitable application of high explosives.
What if God is a woman. Not only will I be going to Hell, but I`ll never hear the end of it.
I was jogging earlier and...LMAO, I`m sorry...I can`t start a status with such ridiculousness.
Well it’s time to go from sitting on my office chair, to sitting in traffic, to sitting on my couch. I’m very skilled at sitting.
Pay no attention to the device around my ankle.
Google must be a woman...it knows everything.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Whenever I want a klondike bar I just pay for it.
I`m pretty sober, but I`m prettier drunk.