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I always like to keep a nice photo of myself for my Facebook profile pic because that is the picture that will be splashed all over the news when I finally go off the deep end.
Hot Pockets: For when you want every bite to be a different temperature.
"I`d hit that" -old people who drive
How many "zero likes" do you have to get on Facebook before you realize nobody gives a crap about you
I`m home by myself this evening. My wife is out at Kohl`s buying another load of laundry.
I don’t trust joggers, it’s a little too convenient that they are always the ones to discover dead bodies.
Sarcasm is the ability to insult stupid people without them realizing it.
It’s 2015, why cant you unselect a floor in an elevator yet?
If spiders ever come to the realization that people are terrified of them, we`re f*cked.
I hate when homesless people shake their cup of coins at me. It`s like yeah I know you have more money than me, no need to rub it in.
I know that somewhere in the Universe exists my perfect soul mate, but looking for her is much more difficult than just staying at home and ordering another pizza.
QVC has agreed to purchase the Home Shopping Network for around $2 Billion...OR just 100,250,627 easy payments of $19.95!
Just seen this girl walk into a lamp post! I could have stopped her but that wouldn`t have been funny would it
I`d engage you in a battle of wits, but I`m afraid you`re unarmed.
Mirror mirror on the wall, I am sexy; screw you all.