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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.
I`m going to a wedding rehearsal this weekend. Wedding rehearsals are the only time you see someone practice making a mistake.
My therapist cries "Why me?" for the full hour.
only 9530 days until retirement.
What I learned in college 1.Water bottles are a great way to hide vodka. 2. When your thirsty in the morning you will regret #1.
Women`s magazines are so funny. 1: You`re beautiful and perfect just the way you are! 2: How to lose 20 pounds in 10 days.
I just found out that a bucket of KFC when you`re finished with it, also doubles as a porta-potty...
Most of you like waking up in the morning to see the "comments" and "likes" that your status received. I like waking up in the morning to see WTF I posted!
Relationship Status: ( ) Single ( ) In a Relationship ( ) Married ( ) Engaged ( ) Divorced (X) Waiting for a miracle
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she`s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
Deep down, we`re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
7 billion people on this planet and I can`t find one who doesn`t annoy the f*ck out of me.
Being clean and sober means i’ve showered and am heading to the liquor store.
Organized people are just to lazy to look for things.
I just found a $100 bill laying on the floor in the checkout lane. I don`t even have to try to find out who lost it, because it`s the same color, and has the same picture on it as the one I lost 2 years ago!! WooHoo, talk about fate huh??!!