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I accidentally lit the wrong end of a cigarette-that can`t be healthy!
Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant
Girls love shoes… so if she throws one at you, you know she’s really pissed off.
The most misinformed people think they know all the facts.
Girl: I am not having having s@x with guys at the moment. Boy:I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue
I finally got some "me time" being away from the kids. Two whole hours. Would have gotten more, but my knees started getting numb from crouching behind the dryer.
the ulitmate moment is when your identical twin says your ugly
I`m not mental, other wise the rubber duckies would have told me by now...
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
People would probably piss me off a lot less if I was allowed to drive a tank.
Boy: "Life`s a bitch, so is my Girlfriend." Girlfriend: "Life`s short, so is his d!ck.
I was enjoying our conversation. Until you started talking....
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mom’s bedroom. I can’t believe it.. She’s a superhero!
I like my coffee like I like my men: caffeinated, made of beans, muscular, tousled hair, you know what, I don`t really know how to do this..
I feel like people who don`t have at least one bottle of expired salad dressing in the fridge, really have their lives together.