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If laziness was a sport, I would win first. Except I would have to send someone to except my medal.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Time flies when you’re having a drunken blackout.
Boss: You`re on another break already? Me: No. This is the same one you saw me on an hour ago.
Are you bored? Head over to Walmart, go into a fitting room, shut the door, wait awhile, and then yell very loudly, `Hey! There`s no toilet paper in here.`
Apparently, I did not use enough a$$hole repellent today
This guy keeps asking me to help pet his neglected, one-eyed trouser snake. What a sweet guy! I think he`s a vet. Ladieeees! A doctor!!
Yes Grandma, I`m almost positive Arachnophobia is not the fear of people from Iraq
2 cops walk into a bar... I don`t know what happened after that. I got the f*ck out of there.
I don`t care about your choice in politics, religion, or taste in music... I judge you simply based on football team preference
Hey I just met you, and this is crazy. But add me on Facebook and I`ll stalk you (maybe)
There’s plenty of fish in the sea… I just suck at fishing.
WTF, I feel like I pay these bills every month.
To hell with the "dislike" button! i think we need a "who cares" button, a "WTF" button and a "STFU!" button. just saying.... Oh and a "lol" button because i just get tired of writing it! lol!
“I wonder how much weight I’ve lost.” -Me, after eating one healthy meal.