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I hate when I accidentally say "I love you" instead of "I`m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you and I`m temporarily delusional."
You call the shots. I`ll drink them.
How do blind people know when to stop wiping their asses
One thing I`ve learned about women is they prefer that I don`t speak
My new years resolution was to lose 30 pounds by the end of summer. I`ve only got 40 pounds to go.
When I was growing up the TV was my nanny.
I really think that Caller ID needs to be more detailed. It should say things like "Wants help moving" or "Will whine about bad relationship."
"He sure seems like a nice young man" is Grandma-speak for "I`d totally hit that."
I would of never even thought of touching half the things that I`ve touched, if it weren`t for the "Do not touch" signs!
bras are booby-traps
At the end of the day, life should ask us, Do you want to save the changes?
Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship`s kitchen.
Now that I know how many calories there are in a pint of beer , I have decided to stop eating.
I wish I could get excited as a redneck drinking cheap beer and watching cars go around in circles for hours.
It’s amazing how everyone cries for free speech until someone says something that they don’t like.