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My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I`d have to stay away from carbs. So I`ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Black Friday is Americas version of running with the bulls.
What is it about a car that makes people think we can’t see them pick their nose?
I don`t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
I wish more people would give me the silent treatment.
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain beard 3.) prisoner of war beard 4.) homeless person beard 5.) wizard beard
Anything I say or do before I`ve had my coffee doesn`t count.
Who am I calling stupid?? Good question.... What`s your name?!
Rap Music is like Scissors…It always loses to Rock.
It`s scientifically proven that stress is caused by giving a f*ck.
When everything is coming your way, you`re probable in the wrong lane.
I had a wet dream about you last night. Yeah, I was drowning you in a lake.
I have the ability to drive people crazy. I`m not sure if I was born with it or if I learned it. But damn am I great at it.
Who can really hear themselves thinking?
I hope common sense is the next cool trend.