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If playing Grand Theft Auto makes you violent, why hasn`t 25 years of me playing Madden made me a professional football player?
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
For years I thought hitchhikers were just complimenting my driving.
I swear this is the last time I watch Groundhog Day
Just ordered a chicken and an egg off the internet to see which comes first. I`ll keep you posted.
If it looks like a pig and walks like a pig, do me a favor & tell my ex girlfriend I said hello.
You better not pout, you better not cry, you better not shout I`m telling you why...we have our own problems and nobody cares about yours.
Having a mohawk used to mean you were tough. Now it means you’re a 3 year-old with annoying parents.
In an effort to explain marriage to my son I put Dora the Explorer on in Spanish and told him to figure it out or he sleeps on the couch.
Today I recently discovered how to make my p@nis 12"...I just fold that b!tch in half.
Women who tell me I have commitment issues have never seen me with a large pizza.
I only party on 2 occasions. 1. When it’s my birthday 2. When it’s not…
How dumb is that family if Mrs. Doubtfire can fool them a second time?
When it comes to speaking Spanish I know the essentials. "Taco, nacho, burrito, cheeto, frito & no comprendo."
I need to put someone on my weekend to-do list