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It`s what`s on the inside that counts... *Except chocolate covered raisins.
I always stop to help women broke down. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how a good porno starts off!
Don`t blame me. You`re the one following a 41 year old man who just jumped into his bed like an Olympic athlete because scary monsters.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you’re probably really hot.
You’re not an easy person to like….I like that about you.
You know the road is in bad shape when you drive to the grocery store and your fitbit registers 1,000 steps.
A man in front of me at Walmart is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life he wishes she had sent him for tampons!
How many boxes of these Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Old video games couldn`t be won. They just got harder and harder until you died. Just like real life.
I wish Facebook would notify me when people deleted me, that way I could like it
I hav 10 fingers bt i usd only.. the thumb to write this...!
why don`t we get discounts for ringing up our own groceries in self checkout?
The easiest way for me to lose inches is to switch to the metric system.
If you like to spoon, you`ll love to spatula. That`s where I flip you over to make certain you`re done properly on both sides.
Me: I only smoke weed because of Cancer. Mom: You don`t have Cancer! Me: So it`s working...