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Got an awesome watch for my birthday. It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it already.
My mom wanted to talk to me about my maturity today, but she didn`t know the password to my secret fort.
When I`m on my death bed, I want my last words to be...."I left 10 million dollars in the..........."
I`m gonna surprise my hand with some sex tonight!
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It`s like they don`t know I plan on cropping them out later.
IRS: We`ve got what it takes to take what you`ve got.
Pretty sure I look forward to my boss` vacation`s more than he does.
I wish I could smack the stupid out of people. And if you think this status is about you ... Smack yourself for me!
Haters gunna hate,potatoes gunna patate!!
Gotta thin the herd. – me eating animal crackers
I bet Bruce Wayne sometimes accidentally signs his credit card receipts “Batman” when he’s drunk. I know I do.
They say I have a drinking problem. I say they have a problem with nudity.
I`m 50% sure this cross eyed guy is starring at my tits.
I often worry about the safety of my children, especially the one that is rolling their eyes at me & talking back right now.
You know how we smack your household appliances when they`re malfunctioning and it makes them work? I wish you could do that with people.