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So many rules; so little time to break them.
I used to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I wake up feeling like a bounced check.
I’ve already decided, if I ever go to The Price Is Right, I’m gonna “come on down” whether they call my name or not.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Stand for what you believe in. Or sit on the couch and have a couple of donuts. It`s a free country really.
The only F word out a woman`s mouth that scares me is "fine."
You know you are getting old when people start telling you how young you look.
If your dog is fat, you’re not getting enough exercise.
Nobody cleans a house faster than a man expecting to get laid.
That last phone call with my wife was so boring, I feel like I owe the NSA an apology.
i just fell off a 20ft ladder.. good thing I was on the first step.
I will never miss you, because I`m a really good shooter.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
You call them ‘naps’ but I prefer to call them ‘alcohol-induced aftershocks`
100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses. The stables have turned.