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True laziness is being excited when plans get canceled.
One of the most important things in life is perserverance. Hang on...perseveren...no, perserveer...pesever… oh, never mind.....
If you look in the mirror and say "Taylor Swift" three times, she magically appears then breaks up with you. What do u know next? You`re a song!
Give a kid a Pop Tart and they eat for a day. Teach a kid how to make a Pop Tart and you sleep in all summer
Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "AND, you live next door."
I wish my car was fueled by my lack of desire to go to work.
Is snaxting a thing? Texting each other pics of your snacks? Cause I feel like I’d be pretty good at that.
Scientist Proved That There are more Than 124786534688644478 People Living In This world who are Too Lazy To Read The Above Number...!!!
My medic alert bracelet warns first responders that I kiss back during CPR
As far as distractions go ... I like to think I`m a good one.
I`m doing a charity gig tonight for people who struggle to achieve orgasm. Don`t worry if you can`t come
Women forgive and forget but always make sure you don`t forget that they forgave you and forgot about it.
If you play my workday backwards, it`s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.
Any of you had a friend that borrowed your sh!t and kept it for so long you had to borrow it back..
I am woman, hear me say the opposite of what I mean in that tone that means you`d better do what I meant and not what I said.