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I only say "God bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
What a rip-off. I picked up a book called 101 Mating Positions. It turned out to be a book on chess.
My goal in life is to have a psychiatric disorder named after me.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats! Many of you are about to be grandparents!
Based on how I react when the toast pops out of the toaster, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
No heel is too high when pointed up at the ceiling.
A good lawyer knows the law ... A great lawyer knows the judge.
Facebook should just change it`s name to "People You May Want to Avoid."
It`s Sunday or as I like to call it, "No pants day".
The nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever so I can rest medicine didn´t work. I´m going to try 1 bourbon, 1 scotch and 1 beer instead.
when god was giving out brains....you must have miss heard for trains..and missed your bugger
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that`s just for the alcohol.
I was voted `Most Paranoid` by my classmates at school. Although they never admitted it.
When non-smokers come to My house....I ask them to stand outside while I have a smoke
When I text someone and they don`t text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from the excitement.