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I`m looking for a girlfriend that likes me for my money, but is really bad at math...
Women can brutally and methodically destroy your life. But they let you see their tits along the way so it`s totally cool.
50% of people believe s@x is "the connecting of two people`s souls through two people`s bodies, as one." The other 50% are guys
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching `Night at the Roxbury.` "Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?"
Anytime my boss leaves her office, I sneak in there and fart.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Sociologists say that social media is creating the laziest generation ever. I expressed my opinion in great detail by hitting the “Like” button.
Watching MTV Cribs makes me feel better about downloading music off the internet.
I just saw a man salute the Budweiser truck on the highway. LMAO
Forgets to set alarm, wakes up 3 days later.
Wear black: all the non-conformists are doing it.
Some days the only thought that stops me from being Dexter...is that I am WAY too pretty to go to prison
I enjoy a bit of unnecessary swearing as much as the next f*cker.
“I wonder how much weight I’ve lost.” -Me, after eating one healthy meal.
Today`s subliminal thought is: …