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That awkward moment when You accidentally hit the LIKE button During Facebook stalking.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you`re trying to return something that you`ve already worn.
I think on December 21 all the power companies should shut off the power for like 10 minutes just to make people flip out.
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
Do you know how many poisonous apples I`d have to give out before I was considered to be the fairest in the land?
I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. “My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl.”
You know you had a good night when you have to Google map yourself in the morning to find out where the hell you are.
I can tell how productive I was at work by how much battery my cell phone has left when I leave.
Drunk me absolutely loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.
The hardest part of carving a pumpkin nowadays is finding some newspaper to spread
I try not to brag but I`m really quite good at Yoga. I`m not flexible or anything but I am a master of that "Empty Your Mind" part
If you watched the story of my life backwards, you`d see an incredibly inspirational story about hair growth, weight loss, and vastly improved athletic ability.
Considering this is the land of the free, stuff is pretty damn expensive.
Being married is like having the freedom to do whatever your wife tells you.
Hey, people who don`t drive *exactly* like I do. Get off the road!