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United States is where moms get a day and shark get a whole week.
I like to respond to statuses with .. WOW, Someone needs a Happy Meal.
The home cooked pizza box says to cook the pizza between 14 and 16 minutes. That`s 15 minutes, right? I`m not reading too much into it?
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Ladies, when it comes to stalking, I`m 100% behind you.
I hate when I`m wearing my apple bottoms jeans and I can`t find boots with the fur.
The number one key to a successful marriage is alcoholism.
The truth is, I find it very stressful that Smokey thinks that I`m the only one that can prevent forest fires. I don`t feel trained for this, and I certainly didn`t sign up for the position.
You`ve already put up your Christmas tree? That`s nothing. I`m already drunk for St. Patrick`s Day.
I tried to be a Rap Singer once. Sadly my rap album, `I Respect the Police & the Risks They Take to Keep My Community Safe`, didn`t do too well on iTunes.
If you want funny, get off Facebook and watch the news...
Your 15 second video will start after this 30 min. commercial...
I keep a second pair of shoes at work, I don`t want people to recognize me when I`m pooping.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth. I woke up half an hour later & my whole apartment was on the internet.
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.