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If you think you`re bad with words, imagine the first guy to say "There there" when consoling someone
Since you were smiling when you tazed me, I`m guessing we still have a chance.
You can`t buy happiness, but you can buy ice cream, and that`s kind of the same thing.
If people don`t occasionally walk away from you shaking their heads, you`re doing something wrong.
Soul mates are people with the mutual understanding that no one else will put up with their sh!t.
If anybody asks, I was on Facebook all night tonight, okay? Thanks for having my back, everyone.
Remember this when you are drunk: You can`t fall off the floor.
God made men. But sandwiches weren`t going to make themselves. So God made women.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a sign of disrespect
Only awesome people are allowed to ‘LIKE’ this status!
Candy Crushers keep inboxing me saying that they need "lives" as if I didn`t already know that.
my girlfriend does that cute thing, where she doesnt exist.
This strip mall certainly is misleading And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
I started drinking a little early. Yesterday, to be more precise.
It’s not pretty being easy.