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Mother mosquito: Hey kiddo, how was your first flight? kid mosquito: Great mom! Everyone was clapping for me.
Change is hard. Seriously have you ever tried to bite a nickel?
I think the spork would have caught on better if they called it "a forkin` spoon!"
Highway to Hell is a great song because you can play it at both your wedding and your funeral.
This status is mine....I licked it.
Just had workplace violence training. It`s like HR doesn`t even care about the first rule of fight club.
You know it`s gonna be a sh!tty day when you put your bra on backwords and it fits better.
Christmas tip: Wrap empty boxes and put them under the tree. Everytime your child acts up, throw one in the fireplace.
OK I`ve stumbled out of bed and made it to the computer- and another Facebook day begins!
If you`re already in the cop car, I really can`t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
"When I grow up, I want to marry a man addicted to video games" ~ No woman ever.
gets drunk on one drink. The trouble is, I can´t remember if it´s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
There are two types of people in this world: those who know how to handle stress, and those who need bail money.
For some reason I`m an extremely secretive person. Don`t ask me why