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Don`t under estimate me... unless you`re trying to guess how old I am or how much I weigh.
Your personality needs alcohol.
Hey.. The tequila I drank wants to tell you a secret.
Irons are like 1000 degrees, who`s bright idea was it to make an ironing board the flimsiest contraption ever made?
When I said I missed you, I meant with a hammer.
It`s so nice to come home and relax with Facebook after a long day at the office being on Facebook.
I hope these environmentally friendly toilets save at least 3x the water because that’s how many times I need to flush.
is wondering where noah kept woodpeckers on his ark
If I could be any animal I`d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
I am there for you no matter what, anytime, day or night, unless there is something good on TV or I am eating pie
Y`all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Do feminists look under their beds for the boogie woman?
People who say "I hate to bother you" need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
"We have HBO" - apparently still a bragging point in the motel industry.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.