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I have a condition that prevents me from going on a diet ... I get hungry.
I hope I never have to run for my life. It wouldn’t end well.
My wife just opened a jar of pickles by herself and I can`t help but think that my days around here are numbered...
The neighbor`s cat seems to think my flower bed is his litter box. I`ll fix that furry little bugger. I mixed 44 packages of pop rocks into the soil. And now we wait....
is having some serious PMS: Parked Motorcycle Syndrome!
Timehop... reminding us that the stupid people we know today were just as stupid 5 years ago.
I love when bill collectors ask if you can borrow the money...uh I did that before and I think we both know how that turned out.
I bet genies were a real thing until one jerk wished for genies not to exist anymore.
Politicians are people who have too little an amount of morals and ethics to remain lawyers.
I swear if my memory gets any worse, i`ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
I just encountered a spider bigger than my desire to be the man of the house.
Just washed my car with the squeegee at the gas station.
I bet people who like their own statuses wink at themselves in the mirror too.
Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands.