Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I`ve done a lot of things over the years ... But acting normal has never been one of them.
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching ‘Night at the Roxbury.’ “Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?”
Laxatives............for people who don`t give a crap.
I`m in the awkward time period between not wanting to have pants on, and having to wait for the pizza guy right now...
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5`9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
No matter how little I do in a day. I always feel like I could have done less.
So I ran into an old girlfriend who I dated who`s new boyfriend she was with looked exactly like me when I was seeing her. You know, miserable
“Let’s hang out sometime.” - liars
IRS: We`ve got what it takes to take what you`ve got.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years. Just kidding. I`m married and not allowed to make decisions.
I hate when I oversleep at work and get home late.
I think instead of doing laundry I`m just going to buy a second hamper...
How long do I have to stand in front of the microwave for to become a member of X-Men?
I hate sneezing during sex, as it alerts the neighbours and lets them know I`m watching.
It`s kind of funny how as you get older, you start enjoying things that you hated as a kid, like taking naps and getting spanked.