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Better pound all these beers so I can get the bottles in the bin for recycling day.
In sign language, arthritis is a speech impediment.
The cool thing about The Clapper is it doubles as a strobe light during s@x.
I know you`re supposed to have 3 balanced meals a day, but how many can I have at night?
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Sh!t Sherlock Research Institute.
Studies confirm that smoking withdrawal (for me) can be fatal (for you).
Nice try "Private Caller", but I wont`t answer even if I know you.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a big sign of disrespect.
Yes, autocorrect, that`s right. I hate that stupid ditch
I`m optimistic that within my lifetime it will become acceptable to wear your underwear to the supermarket.
The only exercise I`ve done this month is running out of money
I`m back in the HR office today. In my defense my coworker very plainly said "stick a fork in me, I`m done"
Let`s be honest... Gay Divorce Court would be the best thing to happen to daytime TV in the history of ever.
Letting my dad play Angry Birds on my iPad is like showing a caveman fire.
I only have one word for women who look at me like Iām some kind of sex object ... Hi.