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*Me washing my car* Person: Hey what’s up? Washing your car? Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
If suppositories were just a bit smaller, they would be a whole lot easier to swallow...........................
You can`t fix STUPID, but you can Numb it with a 2x4.
My home security system is a series of paintings with the eyes cut out.
It isn`t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would`ve been a better option.
I removed my windshield wipers and now I don`t get parking tickets. Suck it meter maids!
Do crabs think we walk sideways?
Ever met a boring and stable girl who was good in bed? Exactly.
Not all country music is terrible. If you can get past the lyrics about trucks, mud, farms and cows... It`s actually not too bad.
Its amazing how many people respond to "Hey Dumba$$!"
You think I’m mean? If only you knew what I say in my head.
My therapist says I am too preoccupied by vengeance.... We`ll see about that.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy in the world, or the best looking guy in the world, but.... Oh, hell. Now I`m depressed.
I’m amazed by how quickly I forget what I’m doing.