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I`m in therapy to learn how to deal with people who should be in therapy
Once I made a belt out of watches. It was a waist of time.
If I had a mood ring on today, it`d be flashing like a disco ball!
Just once I’d like to learn something the easy way.
If I had the money I`d hire 2 private investigators to follow each other
It`s cute how my wife thinks I can read her mind when I can`t even dress the kids properly.
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
United Airlines.... Board as Doctor, leave as patient.
The hardest part about having a vivid imagination is finding enough things to climb on to avoid all the frickin’ lava on the floor!
I will be responsible for my actions....when my actions become more responsible.
If each day is a gift, I wonder where I can return monday.
My parents never asked me to run away from home, but there were many unexplained one way tickets.
In heaven, the Cheez-Its are salted on both sides.
I am absolutely a man of my word. Unfortunately, it just so happens that the word is "Unreliable".
Women fall in love by what they hear. Men fall in love by what they see. That’s why most women wear makeup and most men lie.