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When your mother asks you if you`re sexually active, the correct response is: "No, I just lie there."
If I could only use one word to describe myself, it would probably be: "not good at following directions".
OMG you guys! Almost hit a jogger while i was taking a selfie and driving today...so please you guys, be careful, do NOT jog.
One time I asked some girl what she was thinking. By the time she finished her thought we had 2 children.
White girls be like: I`ll have one triple mocha dark chocolate ugg boot raspberry white iphone 5 double caramel infinity sign frappe please.
Just found a hole in my sock and now I`m worried that the whole drawer might be pregnant.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn`t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat...
Own the day
I guess at a job interview "firing you" is not an acceptable answer when asked where I see myself in a few years.
If you pull the pin out of a grenade, can you put it back in and let go? I`m going to need a quick answer for this....
You move into my house, delete all my porn, decorate every wall with rooster pictures, talk incessantly, leave hair everywhere and are too tired for sex?? Sounds great, let`s do it!!
30 seconds left on the microwave ~ Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone ~ Men: do the space shuttle countdown
my imaginary friend thinks ur crazy? an shes hot!
I took the "Which 90`s Cartoon Are You?" quiz and got "You`re a fucking grown man. Stop it. Right now."
My 5 year plan is to watch Netflix. All of it.