Daily Silly Status

Now that my kids are getting older, I`m worried I`ll never have the opportunity to leave my wife for the nanny.

I`d rather spend 5 minutes reorganizing the dishwasher, than spend the 10 seconds it takes to wash the dish that doesn`t fit.

If men could have multiple orgasms, lotions would cost more than an iPhone.

I don`t care if you`re here to murder me - we take our shoes off in this house.

You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.

I hate when I`m wearing my apple bottoms jeans and I can`t find boots with the fur.

That awkward moment when the mosquito is more interested in persistently banging it`s head against the windshield of your vehicle in an attempt to escape your presence than it is in trying to bite you. #feelingunattractive

I`ve just released my own fragrance...No one on the bus seems to like it though.

If a woman asks if you "notice anything new" tell her "I do, your beauty surprises me every day." Then continue thinking about velociraptors

In order to get my teenagers attention I shut off the WiFi router and wait for them in the room it`s in.

FACT: How kids feel about snow days is the exact opposite of how parents feel about snow days.

I`m kind of like Hugh Hefner. Only without the mansion, the exotic cars, the girls, the magazine and the money. Basically, I`m just a guy in a bathrobe.

You`ve already put up your Christmas tree? That`s nothing. I`m already drunk for St. Patrick`s Day.

I`ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can`t find his nuggets.

When you’re a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do. As an adult, you live for them.