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For once I’d like to get kicked into a bar
Do you ever wish you were a monkey? Then if you got mad at someone, you could just fling your poo at them. Problem solved.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They`er so warm and cozy, and it`s fun to scan the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Note to self... next time my wife asks what`s on tv, don`t say dust
I should be cleaning and disinfecting the toilet bowl today cause I have a feeling I`ll be hunched over hugging it later tonight.
Waiting for the day when a girl finally says that I’m “the one,” but isn’t talking to a police officer.
You could`ve told me that wasn`t your real name before I got the tattoo.
If we could master the look dogs have when we’re eating in front of them, we’d be able to have sex with any woman at will.
If you enter a room and there`s no food, you`re in the wrong room.
When the only light in your world is suddenly gone …it’s time to recharge your phone.
Facebook should have a limit on times you can change your relationship status... After 3 it should default to "Unstable"
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
I just hope my stalker doesn`t tell my dentist how infrequently I floss.
every woman iz beautuful n her unique way, smtimz it needs sm amount of alcohol to see with
All cookies are "bite size" if you believe in yourself enough.