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I`m sticking to my guns ... I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
I am sick of people thinking deodorant is optional.
Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I did last year.
I am dealing with it like an adult! Tonight I`m getting drunk!!!
Back in my day, we didn’t have computers or the internet. Everyone had to walk uphill for days to tell me I’m an a$$hole.
Just about the time I started to give a crap, my attitude became constipated......
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain a lot of things......a LOT of things.
I`ve been taking viagara for my sunburn........ It doesn`t cure it...... but it does keep the sheets off my legs at night.
Would stiff nipples be a good name for my air conditioning company?
Why is it that most nudists are people you don`t want to see naked?
I need a leaf blower, but for people.
If I ever put stuff in storage I`m going to write "gold bars" and "priceless memorabilia" on the boxes just to mess with storage wars.
Some of you ladies need to ease up on the makeup until we get this clown situation resolved.
Whenever I drive past the psychic’s empty parking lot, I think, if I was psychic I would only be open on the days I knew people were coming.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it`s my fault.