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The only thing I`m really learning from this 401K meeting at work this morning is that I`ll probably never be able to retire.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
I love that sound you make when you shut the hell up.
My worst fear is seeing one of my statuses marked as "exhibit A"
i dont drink any more and yet again i dont any less either
R2-D2 from Star Wars, still holds the record for most curse words in a movie.
The word bed looks like a bed.
I hate when you offer someone a sincere complement on their mustache...and then she won`t talk to you anymore.
I am not judging you...I already decided I don`t like you
Sometimes I just go on Facebook to see who has been dumped and who is pregnant.
As I slowly ran my finger down her G string I thought to myself, this is a nice guitar.
If I`m ever in the hospital on Life Support, don`t just pull the plug. Pull it and plug it back in. Basically, see if you can reboot me.
I used to think drinking was bad until i stopped thinking
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. "Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs"
There is no such thing as something looking "Too good to eat"