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I like the parts of the day when food happens.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator, where I couldn`t reach them. Then leave chemicals right under the sink.
I wrote a song about a tortilla actually its more of a wrap.
I just want to find someone who will love me for exactly who I am pretending to be.
Why can’t the shower just naturally keep itself clean?
Ladies, when it comes to stalking, I`m 100% behind you.
Happy 4th of July ... U can toss out the Christmas tree now
My friend told me that bigamy was having one wife to many. I thought that was called monogamy.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100`s of strangers` mouths
Dear Cashier: Stop giving me attitude and acting like your job is so complicated and stressful. Self-Checkout has proven that you are really unnecessary.
That awkward moment when you imagine your own funeral...
Sometime you have to hand it to short people ... because they can`t reach.
Thanks, autocorrect. I`m sure she`s dying to know about my huge peninsula.
Posting inspirational quotes online is the first sign to depression.
Mosquito`s and parking inspectors must be from the same family...