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Ladies: We leave the toilet seat up because we don`t want to touch it any more than you do.
Karma is like a rubber-band: it can only stretch so far before it comes back and smacks you in the face.
Valentines Day is the only day of the year that the guy with the smallest package gets the girl.
I don`t like the term "stalker". I prefer "unpaid private investigator".
If no one comes from the future to stop you, than how bad of a decision can it really be.
It`s a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships.
My religious preference, is for you to steer clear of me with yours.
I laughed more at the Broncos offense then I did at the commercials.
Over half the contacts in my phone are named “Do Not Answer”
People don`t call each other jive ass turkey enough nowadays.
RIP to my hair dryer. It was the only thing to blow me for the last 10 years and never complain.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Day Light savings this weekend is pissing me off, we will lose a hour we will never get back...........wait...thinkin`.....I guess we do....carry on...
BOOK FACT: If you took every book at Barnes and Noble and laid them end to end you get thrown out by security and banned from returning.
When I say "Have a nice day." Remember the f*cker on the end is silent.