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SPOILER ALERT: Rice cakes do not contain any actual cake.
Nice try Jehovah’s Witnesses but dressing up like cops and telling me you have a warrant is not going to get me to open my door.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes… Can you pick me up some beer on your way back?
Why is it called when animals attack? It should be called when retarded people go near dangerous animals.
My kids wanna have a water balloon fight later, I just got done putting mine in the freezer... Wanna bet I win...
I don`t understand why Walmart has a problem with me bringing my dog in the store. He`s better behaved, smells better, and less likely to take a crap on the floor than 95% of the people here
Dearest Neighbors, Please do not call the police, it`s not domestic violence or a wild party. It`s football season, that`s just me screaming at my TV.
When a girl says she wants you to splurge on her, calm down, it`s not what you think...
Life Insurance: Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money?
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
I have to be funny because being hot is not an option.
American Sniper proves that not even being in an active war zone will prevent your spouse from calling you at work.
Just because I know I`m a "Good looking, extremely intelligent, funny as hell, sexy ass, Motherf#ker" doesn`t mean I`m "Conceited"...Im more like a "Realist", that just so happens to be very good with adjectives!...A "Bad-Ass Realist", that is!
A lot of woman turn into good drivers. So if you`re a good driver, beware of women drivers when their making a turn.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.