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2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life. 2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Oh Mickey, you’re so fine, you’re so fine you blow my mind. Hey Mickey. Hey Hey Mickey!..face it you didn’t read that, you sang it.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d love to bring a guest.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn`t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Sometimes I get up really early, drink some coffee and read some awesome motivational quotes. Then I go back to bed.
My dog’s ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I’d like it to be.
Dating a woman in 5 easy steps: 1. Be attentive 2. Don`t be too attentive 3. Show interest 4. Don`t show too much interest 5. Seek therapy
I watched the deleted scenes from a porno last night. Turns out he ended up fixing the washing machine after all.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Soccer is just like my sex life. Long periods of time with no action followed by pure shock & surprise by all parties involved when I score.
Me blacking out when I`m drunk is God`s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
When someone shows you they don`t want to be a part of your life, let them go. I`m not saying you can`t make a voodoo doll of them, though.
The only thing worse than a cold toilet seat is a warm one.
Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets.
I procrastinate so much I’ll probably put off death and never die.