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A recent survey revealed that 4 out of 5 women think I`m an a-hole...
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Apparently Home Depot`s slogan of "You can do it; We can help" doesn`t apply to masturbation.
If anyone could do it, it wouldn`t be called PROcrastination.
when a girl says "whatever" what she really means "I hope you get shot, fall off a bridge, get raped by a shark, and then eaten by it
I hate that feeling when you feel you wrote something good on facebook and then nobody likes your status. Depressing... :(
What if God is a woman. Not only will I be going to Hell, but I`ll never hear the end of it.
Sometimes I`ll go out in public and socialize with people, those times are called alibis.
Some people just bring out the psycho in me
I don’t have a bad handwriting, I have my own font.
Judging by all of the cologne and shower sets I got for Christmas either people know I like to smell good or I am failing at it.
Picture a scavenger hunt where the only items on the list are "your house keys" and "your house." Well, son, that`s what drinking is like.
I’m holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team.
Words and phrases I hope do not appear in my obituary: "Skeletal remains", "Dumpster", "Beyond recognition", "Decapitated", "Dental records", "Shallow grave", "Strewn", and "Suicide by Cop."
The "Beware of Cat" sign posted outside my house doesn`t seem to be having the desired affect.