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Maybe early risers just aren’t as awesome at sleeping as I am.
I love tan lines... it`s like God came down and high-lighted all the good parts... ;-)
Why fart and waste it, when you can burp and taste it
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn`t attend.
Hello customer service, I ate two happy meals and I’m still not happy
There is no number for what just happened in that bathroom.
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
News flash, ladies. Men are settling for you, too.
There are a lot of side effects to smoking weed. Like never shutting up about the fact that you smoke weed.
I`m about 0 for 300 in looking for safes behind wall paintings
The guy who used to proofread Hitler`s speeches was the first grammar Nazi.
Scent is the sense most tied to memory. "Common" is the sense least tied to people.
Facebook is like a nude beach. Everybody lets everything hang out, and you really don`t want to see a lot of it...
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
I can always tell when I`m drunk. I tend to drop things...like my standards