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I want rich people problems. Like where to park my yacht.
Call me an optimist, but I always viewed my cup as half full…of Vodka!!
I broke up with my cross-eyed girlfriend today.......i felt like that bitch was seeing someone else.
Now what`s funny is "Si" from Duck Dynasty
I`m home by myself this evening. My wife is out at Kohl`s buying another load of laundry.
Do these `Skinny Jeans` make my blood circulation look more than purple or less than purple?
I need to stop making things more complicated than they need to be. I`m adding that to my bucket Power Point presentation.
I`m so pissed right now! I`m about to open a can of... Wait…WTF??!! Since when did they start putting child-proof lids on the cans of whoop-ass? A little help please...
It should be socially acceptable to end any boring conversation by shouting "UNSUBSCRIBE!"
I was going to get married, but my wife refuses to sign the divorce papers
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
Top three reasons he doesn`t text you back: 1. He`s just not that into you 2. He`s imaginary 3. He`s a cat
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Dear Ninja Turtles, Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one`s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
If I`m your emergency contact, for your sake, I hope that hospital sends texts too.