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In marijuana`s defense, I`m lazy as sh!t completely sober too.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Any of you girls wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? ... I`m just kidding. There`s no pizza.
Designated drivers just drive me to drink.
Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say, “Close Enough.”
I love living single, drinking double, and sleeping triple.
This beer tastes like future mistakes.
I’m the kind of girl that would eat Doritos on her wedding day & accidentally wipe her hands on her dress.
Sometimes, you wonder what the hell the music video has to do with the song.
Saw my ex with another guy at a bar last night. So I ordered a beer, took a few sips, walked over to their table, gave her date the rest of my drink and walked away... #leftovers
I don`t hate you, it`s just, if you were on fire. I would roast marshmallows.
If a man says you`re ugly, he`s being mean. If a woman says you`re ugly, she`s jealous. If a little kid says you`re ugly, then you`re ugly.
Yes, my attitude could stand some improvement but my insurance does not cover those meds.
I love the smell of a liquor store in the morning!
Apple is looking to expand its market share among Latinos. No word yet on the release date of their newest device, the iCaramba.