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When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
I`ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
I`m trying to be healthy and grow my own food but I can`t find any Twinkie seeds. :/
The pollen is so bad this year that the people in the trailer parks are turning their crystal meth back into Sudafed.
when life gives you lemons; ask for tequila and salt
So.. who else is sleeping naked tonight?
3 wishes for when I find a genie: 1. The more I eat the skinnier I get 2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist 3. Other kid owns a winery
Fun game for parents: Scream in horror the first time your child loses a tooth.
Just completed my sexual harassment training and I think I`m finally ready to start harassing people.
At the urinal, please keep your eyes forward and your conversations limited to weather, sports or beer.
Today`s Big Idea: Coffee eye drops.
Some people`s lives are like open books... Mine is like a trashcan without a lid.
Scared the mailman today by going to the door completely naked. Not sure what scared him more, my naked body or that I knew where he lived.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
What kind of downward spiral would cause a person to "like" cream cheese on Facebook?