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I´m not cheap, but I am on special this week
I get carried away sometimes… Usually because I refuse to leave.
I’m the kind of guy who dreams about naps while I’m asleep.
The average fight between men lasts 3 minutes. The average fight between women lasts 17 years.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone`s food pics and posting the calories.
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Do you ever think about sh!t you did in the past and just go why the f*ck did nobody punch me in the face?
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
I just ended a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn`t mine.
It`s been scientifically proven that originally there were only five fruit cakes ever made!
about love
Smiling gives you wrinkles. Resting bitch face keeps you pretty.
Statistically: 1 in 7 dwarfs are grumpy
The cop at your front door is never a stripper when you want them to be.
I`m no magician but I can walk down the street and turn into a bar!