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I wish I had a dollar for every time I didn`t have a dollar.
Running on two hours of sleep I’m either way too happy or violently homicidal.
Good thing girls started uploading pictures next to a pool with the caption "Summer is finally here!" or we wouldn`t have known it`s summer.
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why i fell asleep on the kitchen counter… naked… again..
I like them big and fake. ~Me talking about Christmas trees
Sarcasm and orgasm. Two things most people don`t get. Those who do are smiling right now.
Someday you may lose your hair, you may lose your teeth, your money and even lose your mind. But one thing you will never lose – your good looks, coz you can never lose what you don’t have!
Ladies, don`t say that men never listen... We can tell you every word of what was said during an NFL pregame or in-game broadcast.
If sex between 3 people is called a Threesome and sex between 2 people is called a Twosome... Why is Handsome still a compliment?
There is nothing worse then trying to watch porn with a slow internet connection.
A police officer just knocked on my door to tell me my dogs were chasing kids down the road on bikes.. Umm.. My dogs don`t even own bikes?
Youth is wasted on the young.
A Whoopee cushion filled with gravy adds a hilarious new dimension to a rather tiresome practical joke.
No really I`m fine, I have drugs and alcohol to block out reality, but thanks anyway...
I`m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I`ve been to in the last week that`s had "insufficient funds".