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I may not have the best parenting skills; but, in my defense, my kids don`t have the best childing skills, either.
Nothing is more dangerous than a woman “gathering her thoughts”.
There is a huge difference between a hot girl and a girl wearing lesser clothes.
A hospital is the only commercial establishment where the worse service they provide you, the more you`ll come back.
If you sneeze near an atheist, they just say "science appreciates you".
Saw a hobo sleeping on a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. Must be his alarm system.
Of course I plan to seize the day ... Eventually.
For you men who think a woman’s place is in the kitchen, remember… that’s where the knives are kept.
You better not pout, you better not cry, you better not shout I`m telling you why...we have our own problems and nobody cares about yours.
You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine
I have never preheated an oven but I have pre-eaten a frozen pizza.
I wish my life had background music so I could figure out what the hell is going on.
Women forgive and forget but always make sure you don`t forget that they forgave you and forgot about it.
Before I stalk someone, I follow them around for a while...Cause you know, what if they`re not worth it?
When in doubt, read Facebook Statuses, you`ll see you`re not the only crazy one around