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I have this great midnight snack it`s called, what do I think my roommate won`t notice if I eat the edges off of
Hi can you fill this prescription please? Sir this is just a post-it note with `give me the good stuff` written on it.
Valentines day
If someone tells you "it`s better than sex" they`re not doing the sex right.
I`ve been working on losing weight, I was doing Jenny Craig for awhile........till her husband found out (<>..<>)
The guy who used to proofread Hitler`s speeches was the first grammar Nazi.
I don`t know what`s longer, a treadmill minute or a microwave minute.
If only mosquitoes sucked fat, instead of blood.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night`s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
I think my “check engine” light has finally burned out. So that’s good.
If at first you don`t succeed, you`ll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn`t succeed either.
The more I know, the more I forget! The more I forget the less I know! The less I know, the less I forget! The less I forget, the more I know!!!
I`m one of the nicest a$$holes you could ever hope to meet.
Onion rings are vegetables. And the Large size counts as two servings.
Avoid hangovers: stay drunk ;)