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Today I discovered that two wrongs definitely don`t make a right. Tomorrow I`m going to try three.
I walked into a bar in my pirate suit and a ships wheel in my pants.... The bartender asked... "Why do you have a wheel in your pants"? I replied "Argh.. it`s driving me nuts".
One of the major benefits of using a combined 2 in 1 shampoo/conditioner is having enough room leftover on the shower caddy for the beer.
I’m over the 30-day ab challenge. Is there a 30-day nap challenge I can take on?
Someone said to me earlier, "Your face looks very familiar". I said, "I know, I`ve had it a long time."
Highschool Reunion? What for ? I`m on Facebook. I already know who got fat.
Sticks and stones, break my bones, but hollow points expand on impact!
The only thing that makes me happy about the launch of a new model cell phone is that I can finally afford the previous model.
I`ve never said "in all seriousness" and actually meant it.
“Should I add more liquor?” is the most ridiculous question I’ve ever been asked.
Nothing screws up your Friday more than realizing it’s only Tuesday.
I react to "Someone has tagged a photo of you..." in the same way I react to a doctor saying, "Your test results came back..."
I eat my salad without dressing because who has time to put on clothes...
Whenever somebody said they did something "Like a Boss" I assume that they did nothing but took all the credit for it.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.