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The face jewelry is getting out of hand. I saw a guy today that looked like he had done a face plant in a tackle box.
This bartender doesn`t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Going to drink straight from the carton because I`m a badass!
Know why a room full of married people looks so empty? There’s not a Single person in it…
Dogs lick each other`s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
This is the earliest I have ever been late.
That awkward moment when you have 10+ tabs open and you can`t figure out which one the music is coming from.
The fox says you need to stop.
If I could time travel, I`d make sure the guy who made up the word Walkie-Talkie got to name more things.
why would i ever pay to go to a nascar event when i could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free
Don`t pick on Aquaman! The crime rate underwater is pretty damn low the last time I checked.
When someone tells you they are getting a divorce, a high five is not the right answer. Or so I`ve been told, twice now.
Why can`t life be as easy as I am?
You ever want to just grab someone and say, WTF is wrong with you?
Ice skating is just walking in cursive.