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Sorry that most of my hilarious jokes are borderline inappropriate. And by sorry, I mean you`re welcome.
If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why aren’t there Starbucks pumpkin spice latte trucks in the winter?
I think about hiring a maid way too often for someone who has plenty of time to clean.
May the bridges I burn light the way.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn`t 3 hours long.
Fire at will! Oh, it`s you, Bob! Fire at Bob!"
Daylight Savings makes us lose an hour... It’s kind of like Facebook.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Spoiler alert: Your `97 Nissan Sentra doesn`t need one.
How to find the perfect wife: Play monopoly with her. if she chooses the iron, she`s the one.
To avoid being eaten by Zombies go to "settings", "public", and uncheck the box that says "Facebook users taste like chicken"
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar* *Snickers*
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
To whoever said “fight fire with fire”: do you actually test your own advice before giving it?
"Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it." -Me lying to someone who`s pointing out a constellation