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If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I`d choke to death swallowing it.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?” Facebook is worse than my parents.
I miss being the age when I thought I would have my sh!t together by the age I am now.
They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love, after marriage, it is self-defense.
I just ran butt a$$ naked through Walmart yelling "Stop that shoplifter! she got my clothes!"
I fail to understand the ‘good’ part of ‘good morning’
There is literally no way of knowing how many chameleons are in your house.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn`t mean I`m stalking you...It just means you haven`t looked nice in awhile
Nothing is better than seeing your ex with someone uglier than you!
Being able to read minds would be incredible...but constantly hearing about how sexy and great I am would probably get old.
I like to refer to myself as a "Second-hand Vegetarian". Animals eat grass. I eat animals.
Today is National Fritters Day. I don`t know what that means, so I just went naked today. Gotta be something like that.
I wish I was full of tacos instead of feelings.
I don`t think we appreciate this era enough. For instance, none of us will see old photos of our moms whoring it up on Instagram.
Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.