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At church they said the number of the beast is 666, but I stood up and said that`s not my wifes phone number.
4 out of 5 dentists agree that 1 out of 5 dentists is just doing it for the attention.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Got bored today so I dressed up in tan pants and a blue shirt then went into Best Buy and quit.
I was playing catch phrase with my family and the phrase I got was `pearl necklace` .. And then I ruined family time...
I’m late for a disappointment.
Mission Impossible: Ordering something at Subway without saying, "ummmm".
Saying I have a drinking problem is like saying Bruce Lee had a kung fu problem, it`s not a problem if you`re good at it.
If you have really strong opinions on subjects that you know very little about... then Facebook just may be the perfect thing for you.
Let`s be honest. The only reason you listen to your voice-mail messages is to make the stupid icon disappear
I saw a cool bumper sticker on a back of a SUV . . . “Do you follow Jesus this close?”
What I lack in sex appeal I make up in staying home and drinking.
I make self-sabotage look like an art form.
“You look tired” is just a polite way to tell someone they look like sh*t.
With the right music, you either forget everything or you remember everything.